My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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