weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So much rum. So many feels.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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