you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize