there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
