Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
