This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You ate ashes out of my bong
FUCK WHALES
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
