Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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