Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
