paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Operation Purity has been aborted
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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