I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
