I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
