I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
