Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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