she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
