Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
