no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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