My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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