just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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