don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
