Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize