im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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