I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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