My Higher Power is John Stamos
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
