hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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