WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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