So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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