Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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