She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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