Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize