Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
