On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
