First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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