I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Screwed.edu
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
