yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
