Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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