On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
