Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
