I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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