I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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