I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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