Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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