He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
