He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
