why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
