you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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