just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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