I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
