I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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