she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Vodka?
Forever.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I am one with the molecules
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
