Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
