I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
