You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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