I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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