At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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