You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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