my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
