Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
