Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
