I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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