i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
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well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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