Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
