I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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